Three Weddings, One Commitment: What Leadership Can Learn When Plans Change
Problems arise when preserving the plan becomes more important than fulfilling the purpose behind it.
Today is one of my wedding anniversaries, which is probably not a sentence most people expect to hear.
My husband and I married each other three times. There were no divorces between the ceremonies and no grand plan for three separate celebrations. Life simply kept presenting us with a different set of circumstances.
Looking back ten years later, I realize those weddings taught me something important about commitment. They also taught me a great deal about leadership.
Commitment does not always look like following the original plan perfectly. Sometimes it means remembering what matters most, adapting when circumstances change, and allowing other people to help create something more meaningful than we could have designed alone.
How We Ended Up Getting Married Three Times
Our first wedding happened almost entirely by accident. I had just completed my Ph.D. and was celebrating in Santa Barbara, California, with members of my dissertation committee and friends who had supported me through the journey. During one of our conversations, I mentioned that I had always dreamed of getting married in a relaxed ceremony on the beach, with the sand between my toes.
The wedding we were planning was going to be a more formal celebration at Lake Tahoe, so I assumed that my dream would remain a dream. The people around me had another idea. Someone said, “Let’s do it tomorrow morning.” At sunrise, we gathered on the beach. The people who had guided, challenged, encouraged, and supported me through one of the most demanding accomplishments of my life also helped create one of the most personal moments of my life.
They organized the ceremony, surrounded us with love, and made something happen because I shared a dream and they were willing to become part of it. The ceremony was beautiful, spontaneous, and deeply meaningful.
It was also not legal.
Our second wedding was intended to be the official celebration with family and friends. People had been invited, details had been arranged, and we were ready to celebrate with the community that mattered to us. Then the person scheduled to conduct the ceremony had to withdraw at the last minute due to a family emergency. There was no time to find someone else who could legally marry us.
A family member stepped forward and conducted the ceremony. The people we loved still gathered, we exchanged our vows, and we created another meaningful memory.
Once again, however, we were not legally married.
By the time we reached wedding number three, we had already experienced the sunrise, the beach, the family gathering, the vows, and the celebration. What remained was the legal part. We decided to have fun with it.
We drove through the Chapel of the Bells, which was then Reno’s last drive-through wedding chapel, just the two of us in our sporty convertible. It was playful, memorable, and completely different from the weddings that had come before it.
That ceremony finally made our marriage legal.
Three weddings, three very different experiences, one commitment. When I think about those ceremonies now, I see several lessons that reach far beyond marriage.
What Three Weddings Taught Me About Leadership
Leaders often enter situations with a clear picture of how something is supposed to happen. There may be a strategic plan, a timeline, assigned responsibilities, and carefully defined expectations. Planning matters, especially when people are relying on us for direction.
Hold Onto the Purpose, Not Every Detail
Problems arise when preserving the plan becomes more important than fulfilling the purpose behind it. Our purpose was to make a commitment to one another and share that commitment with the people we loved. The details changed repeatedly, yet the purpose remained clear.
Leadership requires that same kind of clarity. When circumstances shift, people need to understand what is still true. They need to know what remains important, what can change, and where they have room to contribute. Clear communication helps a team adapt without losing direction.
Let Other People Help Shape What Happens Next
The beach ceremony also reminded me that meaningful moments are often co-created. Had I kept my dream to myself, that sunrise wedding would never have happened. It became possible because I shared something that mattered to me, and other people responded with energy, generosity, and creativity.
Trying to control every detail can prevent people from bringing their ideas, strengths, and enthusiasm into the process. Community grows when people have an opportunity to help shape what happens next.
The second wedding taught me to notice what people can offer when the original plan falls apart. That family member could not solve the legal problem, yet their willingness to step forward preserved the meaning of the moment. In organizations, we sometimes overlook what people can contribute because they cannot provide the exact solution we expected. Adaptable leaders ask, “Given the circumstances we have now, what is possible?” That question makes room for resourcefulness and communicates confidence in the people around us.
Make Room for Play, Even When It Matters
The drive-through ceremony brought one more lesson. Important moments do not always have to feel heavy. Playfulness can help people move through uncertainty, recover from disappointment, and remain connected when things become complicated. Humor does not diminish the seriousness of a commitment. However, it can give us enough emotional room to keep moving forward.
Ten years later, I do not remember our three weddings as a series of plans that failed. I remember a dream shared at the right moment. I remember people who stepped forward to help us. I remember family and friends gathering to celebrate. I remember laughing with my husband as we finally made everything legal.
Each wedding gave us something the others could not.
Leadership often unfolds the same way. One approach may reveal what matters. Another may deepen the community around the work. A third may finally accomplish what needs to be completed.
Confidence allows us to adjust without treating change as failure. Communication keeps people connected to the purpose. Community gives us support, creativity, and possibilities we might never find alone.
As I celebrate one of our anniversaries today, I keep returning to a simple truth: The plan changed three times, but the commitment did not.
Where in your leadership might it be time to loosen your grip on the original plan while remaining fully committed to the purpose?
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